I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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