i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
