What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
