Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
