From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Is Oprah even human
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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