she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
