I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
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