explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
