I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
