These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
