oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
