You work out of a Hotel?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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