he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
