Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
