he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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