It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
