put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
