i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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