I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
