You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
