Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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