last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just come out here and I will go home with you...
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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