Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
