Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
