she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
porn star boner night. come get it.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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