y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
