I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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