my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
