dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
