I am in a vortex of obligation.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
