I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
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