I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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