i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
