happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
