2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
