she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
