I am puke
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize