Swine flu. Run for my life!
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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