she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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