He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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