I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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