i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
