am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
