dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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