You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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