sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
