so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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