how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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