I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Having a random hookup so left but love u
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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