I looked at my own cervix.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
